Here are 4 ways to set healthy boundaries as a leader or when speaking to groups. There are four kinds of boundaries we’ll cover
1) within yourself, as in how you treat yourself
2) with clients
3) with service providers
4) with your audience or listeners
The old phrase “good fences make for good neighbors” is applicable in all cases. Most of us need protection from the inner critic, from clients or service providers who would cross a boundary, or with listeners who might project all kinds of good and bad thoughts onto you.
Benefits of listening:
* 4 tools for moving from feeling disempowered to empowered and energized
* lower your stress and build your long term ability to succeed
* improve your income, productivity and creativity by changing bad habits to good ones
1:00 – Create Boundaries within Yourself
5:51 – Create Boundaries with Clients
7:11 – Create Boundaries with Service Providers
8:42 – Create Boundaries with Your Listeners
MINDSTORY INNER COACH BOOK – featuring the shielding process
MINDSTORY BLUEPRINTS COURSE
APPLY FOR A FREE LEADERSHIP COACHING SESSION
Connect with Carla Rieger:
Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/carlarieger
Twitter – https://twitter.com/carlarieger
LinkedIn – https://www.linkedin.com/in/carlarieger/
This is episode 36 the importance of boundaries as a speaker. Now, by boundaries, I mean boundaries, one within yourself, how you treat yourself to boundaries with clients, three service providers, and four with your audience members or listeners. So the old phrase, good fences make for good neighbors is applicable in all these cases, most of us need protection from the inner critic and inner attacks that we give ourself. And also sometimes with clients and service providers who might cross a boundary if we don’t set them clearly or with listeners, you might project all kinds of good and bad things onto you. Hi, I’m Carla Rieger and this is the mind story speaker podcast for influencers in business who speak to grow their income, referrals and impact in the world. So let’s look at the first one. Boundaries within yourself. Now, most of us don’t treat ourself very well and we may or may not even be consciously aware of that. Maybe all you’re aware of is a knot in your stomach or you’re procrastinating about reaching out to someone important. And often it’s due to what I call inner attacks[inaudible].
Now you might think of a inner attack as someone who’s like a masochist or who cuts themselves for commit suicide or something like that, but it can be a lot more subtle than that and so I want to bring a different perspective to this topic. Now, many mind stories we create in our head are about the villain victim hero triangle, which you may or may not have heard of. We walked through the world identifying ourselves as either a victim or a hero and others as villains or some external circumstance. Yet often we are being a villain and don’t even realize it. For example, I was recently working with a client who watched himself on video and then ripped himself to shreds on how he looked and how he sounded and what he said, but he’s a really nice guy and he would never speak that way to another person.
There are other ways we attack ourselves, like how we treat the environment we live in, what we put in our bodies in terms of food, drugs, alcohol, drinks, or what we don’t do for our bodies like exercise or get enough rest or have downtime or creative time or time with friends and community. It’s good to become aware of things you do to yourself that you wouldn’t want to have happen to someone you love very much so. It can be helpful to look at yourself as someone you cherish very much even if you’re not there yet. Just imagine what it would be like to treat yourself that way, to be completely in service to your wellbeing on all levels. Now, many of us have an inner villain and inner and then an inner hero who tries to rescue the victim from the villain and it’s easy to get caught up in that triangle going around around in a loop.
However, if you just make a boundary with yourself about how you’ll treat yourself in regards to mistakes that you make or how you look or how you sound or what you say, or what you eat or what you drink or how you take care of yourself or not, it can change your life for the better in such a massive way that is like night and day. Now this doesn’t mean you avoid looking at constructive criticism or being discerning with yourself to improve yourself, but most people seem to be born with a program that’s like at the subconscious level that’s looping thoughts of unworthiness and quite frankly, that’s I think just like a bad virus on your computer that you could delete. It’s not the real you. And you do that by catching the thought and then making a new thought. So any method you have for doing that is worthy of focusing on at least a few minutes every day.
Most of us need to do what I call thought work regularly to keep the weeds out of the garden. Now we offer that help in our book mind, a story inner coach. And the mind a story blueprint chorus, which you can see in the show notes below. And of course with our coaching programs, but you also might have other tools you use to create boundaries with yourself as a regular discipline. I don’t think you can just go to a personal growth workshop once and have it all stick. It’s like going to the gym. You need to keep a building the neural pathways in your brain so that it eventually becomes default. And even when it’s default, you had to keep clearing the weeds. It doesn’t need to take very long, but it needs to be done regularly. We live in a sea of negative thinking, and you could be picking up the self judgment, not of yourself, but if someone you just walked by on the street or who lives next door to you and you don’t even know it, we are all vastly connected subconsciously in how we think and how we feel.
And so by clearing your mind, I believe you actually help clear it at the collective unconscious level too. So you’re not just helping yourself, you’re potentially helping others as well, especially if you’re about to speak to a group. They can pick up on your negative subconscious thoughts and they might not even be consciously aware of it, but people do know things intuitively and so if you can be a clearing, if you can be your best self when you’re leading groups, you do a great service to others and of course you come across as more confident and competent. Now secondly, let’s talk about clients and service providers. I know some of my clients don’t create anything other than a verbal agreement with people, but having a degree myself in conflict resolution and international negotiation, I’ve learned that the strongest memory isn’t nearly as powerful as the weakest ink.
In other words, it’s so easy to forget what you agreed upon and if things go off the rails with a client, you could just go back to the agreement and hopefully it’s all right there in black and white and it’s easier to resolve. And if you don’t think these things through ahead of time, that’s when you get in trouble. Now, I’m not talking about pages and pages of fine print, but making both parties very clear about expectations is a form of very good boundaries and I’ve seen many of my clients not bother with that and then get into issues with people due to [inaudible] met expectations, all communication breakdowns. You can almost always trace to unmet expectations because they made an assumption about what you would do and maybe you didn’t come through on it, but you didn’t have that expectation of yourself. So that’s why written agreements are so important.
Now, of course, written agreements don’t always cover every single situation, but it’s better than not having it. Now thirdly, let’s talk about service providers again. A lot of people who are service providers say they’ll do something and then they don’t or they don’t provide the result you hoped for. For example, I’m talking about maybe you’ve hired a marketing strategist and advertising manager, consultant outsourcing agency, your innovation team, accounting service, virtual assistant. I’ve seen it happen so often that when things don’t work out as planned, then the service provider blames you for the outcome. And in some cases and in many cases actually both parties are to blame. It’s you and them and therefore I find if you take on this philosophy it’s best and if you create this philosophy at the very beginning that you are both 100% responsible to find a suitable outcome. That’s an ideal win-win solution because a lot of people don’t think in those ways and so if they’re the one that provide the agreement, I make sure there’s some kind of clause whereby I actually write it down that we do regular check ins to see how things are going and have tools for measuring success and that we both take 100% responsibility for turning it around of is not working and that intention alone I’ve seen prevent so much unnecessary boundary cross hink and projects where he out very well.
And of course the other thing you can do is talk to someone the service provider has worked with before and just to find out what worked and what didn’t.
Now many of the leaders and speakers I work with love this fourth one and it’s about having boundaries with your listeners. Whether you speak at a live event, run webinars, lead a podcast, facilitate small groups or lead a team in your company. Whenever you are in a leadership role, people tend to project things onto you. They might idealize you, fear you or want to put you on a pedestal or they may demonize you and then there is the lovely type of person who realizes that their thoughts are just thoughts that don’t necessarily have anything to do with you as the leader or the expert. Now it helps to have ways of protecting yourself from the type of person who don’t realize that their thoughts are just thoughts. Now you may think it’s great to be idealized and put on a pedestal, but eventually those kinds of people have to pull you off the pedestal and then they demonize you.
I’ve seen it happen over and over again. Maybe you have to, I mean I’ve done it myself. I absolutely love a certain thought leader or guru or speaker, and then they say or do something that I don’t like and then I’ve seen myself go in the opposite direction with them and just kind of criticizing everything they do. That’s before I realized my thoughts were just thoughts and it’s more about me than about them. Right? But similarly, I’ve seen the phenomenon of people rejecting a leader or speaker at first and then doing a complete about face and idealizing them. I’ve certainly done that too. Now both are based on the mistake of thinking that your thoughts about the person are just you paying attention to actual reality. But the truth is they’re just your interpretation of reality.
I remember hearing an interview with William Shatner interviewing Fran Drescher and they were talking about how hard it was to date when you’re famous and both were talking about going on a date and trying to discover early on if the person was a fan, if the person was saying things like, Oh, I’m a big fan. I loved you in this movie or that TV show. Then they would end the date early and never see the person again. But if the person only knew them vaguely or didn’t really know much about them as a celebrity, then the person got a second date often. And that’s because the fan would invariably go from putting them on a pedestal to then realizing other just an average person with flaws like everyone else and leaving them. That’s why you often see famous people dating each other because at least they know about that psychological phenomenon.
So the best tactics I’ve discovered to deal with this are a combination of what you say to people when you are speaking to them, what you’re thinking about, what’s going on and something I call energetic shields. Now I’m a big believer in telling stories about yourself that show your humanness, not ones that undermine your credibility, but once it just show that you’re just a human on your journey making mistakes like everyone else. And this has two benefits. One, so that people don’t put you on a pedestal. And so they see that whatever you’re teaching them might also be possible for them because you have issues and mistakes and self doubt and fears just like everyone else. I think it’s a good idea to be one of those leaders or speakers or experts who make yourself sound like you’re have only experienced success in your life.
I find those people get in a lot of trouble down the line when it comes to fans acting strangely with them. Now the second is what you say to yourself about what’s going on around you. No matter what you say, there will be people who think their thoughts are real and might act on them. For example, I have a client who speaks on natural supplementation and healthy living for dealing with depression and he tends to criticize a lot of pharmaceutical drugs and he gets attacked at almost every speaking engagement either from someone heckling him outright in the audience or coming up to him afterwards and complaining or spreading bad reviews online now at how Tim stopped taking it personally. We’re a few philosophies that he had to keep reminding himself about each time before he spoke. And one is everyone is entitled to their opinion and stirring up controversy makes people pay attention. So maybe it’s a good thing and regardless of what people say or do, it’s about their thoughts and nothing to do with me personally and my worth. So if you don’t already have philosophies like that for people who negatively protect on you, I recommend adopting a one of them or all of them, or make up your own. That worked for you.
Now what about people who put you on a pedestal? Well, philosophies that help are one, it’s about that person’s thoughts and nothing about me personally or my worth in the world too. It’s okay for people to idolize me if it helps them grow as a person. Sometimes people need to do that and then they kind of stop projecting their power onto someone else and empower themselves instead. And three, I don’t need people’s recognition to feel okay about myself. Now, I say that last one because I’ve worked with people who became very successful, but you know, careers go up and down and people don’t usually stay at the top the rest of their lives. So they hit a time in their life when everything that made them successful before it isn’t work anymore. Yeah. Some people have a much harder time with making a transition from one career to another, and it almost always comes down to what you’re making it mean.
So here’s a comparison. One man I worked with decided he was no longer relevant in the, if he didn’t run a big successful company and he just went into a depression because of that thought. Whereas another man I worked with welcomed a period of time with far less pressure allowing him to explore other areas of life that had been dormant, such as he decided to write a parable about the wisdom he’d learned over the years. Now, interestingly, once the first client heard the story about the second client, it totally changed things for him. He started thinking about all the things he’d given up over the years because of his devotion to his business that took everything out of him. So he started a small one man operation as a coaching consultant and absolutely loved it. And then the depression went away.
So that’s why it’s always good to not rely on other people’s recognition to feel okay about yourself. So any thought work you can do on that will serve you for the rest of your life. And then the third part about protecting yourself with listeners is what I call energetic shields. Now I realized this is a bit out there for some people, but if you try it, you might notice a big difference as many of my clients have reported. Now, I believe people have energetic cords with others are strong cords with people you’re close to. But even someone who’s, say Jessie knew, speak or listened to you online, might hook into you energetically in a good way or bad way. And they will subconsciously try to siphon your energy. If you don’t have good shielding and energetic shield did a few things. It mirrors back to them what they need to learn from you, which means it’s a responsible way of putting your energy and expertise out in the world as opposed to what some leaders and speakers do, which is to feed off other people’s adoration, which I’ve already said is problematic, not just for you but for them.
Now the second thing is shield can do is help you feel grounded and not lost in your head, dead grounded into the body, the heart, so that you have that integration of body, heart, mind, breath, which makes your brain work better and gives you stronger access to what I call your higher wisdom to share with people. Now there are many kinds of shields so you can try different ones on for size and see which one works. I teach one in our book mind story in her coach called the Aqua portal shield. Uh, briefly describe it here and if you want more details, look in the links below. We also have in the mind story blueprint, chorus, a series of audio meditation’s done by my partner, Dave O’Connor and I and one of them actually leads you through a guided meditation on how to erect this energetic shield and if you listened to that a dozen times and create a physical anchor, you can bring it up in an instant like first thing in the morning, first thing before going to bed or when you go into a conference and your budget speak now by a physical anchor.
I mean something like putting your thumb index and middle fingers together on both hands and this can trigger your mind to activate the shield. If you’ve done it a number of times before, it’s like a shortcut. Then of course you have to believe that your intention and imagination are powerful in the unseen energetic world. If you don’t believe that, then it doesn’t work as well. But try to open your mind because it only takes a few minutes and might actually be saving you from years of feeling drained every time you speak, which seems to happen to a lot of my clients until I give them the energetic shield. And I’ve seen people actually sabotage their own careers because they keep getting drained by their listeners or their clients when they have too many of them. And then that caps their income and they’re always having to recover themselves energetically.
But as soon as they do the shields, they can go out as much as they need and still feel energized. So it’s just about with this shield, imagining a blue orb around you from about three and a half feet above your head to about a foot below your feet. So just see that blue shimmering energy all around you from head to foot and also see a grounding cord to the center of the earth that starts from the bottom of your orb. And then also a cord that goes from the top of the orb out to the galaxy. The center of the galaxy so that you are what’s called multidimensionally grounded. And what that means is you have access to, I believe, higher wisdom, tap into the interdimensional internet. There’s like this access to information about everything and anything if you allow yourself. So if you’re trying to solve a problem in your personal life or with clients, or when you want to speak an event and you want to really speak to the specific needs of people in your audience without maybe having talked to them ahead of time, you can tap into what I call the group mind and sense into what’s most important to say to them at that moment so that they get the wisdom and insights they need at this moment in time.
So with your imagination, you can do that. So just see yourself inside that blue orb right now and imagine feeling safe, protected, grounded. And when you’re inside there is a purification element. It’s like going in a shower and getting cleaned off energetically because as you erect that orb around you, cords just fall away. So you’re just left with your own energy and your energy to your highest wisdom. So the blue orb also acts as I said, like a kind of mirror shield in that when you are presenting to people or leading people, you will automatically reflect back their own projections to them. So what it’s like say with someone who is listening to a person with a mirror shield up and they start projecting either really idealized thoughts or really negative thoughts is it helps them see that those are just their thoughts and don’t belong to that person that they’re projecting onto.
It’s an interesting phenomenon. Again, you have to give it a try to see if it works. It also protects them from you subconsciously taking on their energy, siphoning energy away from them. So I hope that makes sense. Give it a try and see what you think. So you may know a little bit about me from other podcasts, but if this is your first podcast, just so you know, in case you’re wondering, I’m the CEO of the artistry of change coaching and training inc and the cofounder of mind history Academy. And we are a business and mindset coaching and training company. We work specifically with mission driven CEOs, business owners and entrepreneurs who want to create a highly profitable business doing what they love. Now I’ve written six books. I’m working on my seventh. Our recent book is called mind, a story inner coach, which I talked about.
I’ve created dozens of online learning programs. I’ve spoken at over 1500 events on five different continents over the last 24 years. I’m also the creator of the mind story inner circle, which is a coaching and speaking certification program. It’s a program for business owners and experts who have expertise to share and want to build a successful business. Doing that, and of course I also work with people individually. Now my team and I have helped thousands of people find and hone their message and create a highly profitable business that impacts the world by giving them ongoing executive performance coaching to operate at their best to create a marketing strategy that works through how they communicate with their ideal clients and customers. So you’ll see a link to Mike, the mine street inner circle, as well as the private coaching below. In the meantime, I hope these tools and techniques and ideas are helpful to you. Please customize everything for your own life based on your own wisdom and we’ll see you next time. Bye for now.